Oh God it's December. When did that happen?

Ah, Christmas with small people. And small person he is; baby just doesn't seem to fit anymore. He babbles, he crawls, he pulls things off shelves and then moves on, he sings loudly in shops. His top teeth are coming through, just in time to chomp through Christmas dinner.

As his favourite activity is bashing one item against another to make noise, he's getting a little wooden xylophone for Christmas. He's also getting good at putting small objects in, on and around bigger objects, so I thought of some sort of doll's house setup - small people, building, scenario. It took ages to find one suitable for one year olds (he's 9 months, but that doesn't exist in baby-toy marketing. They only have toys for extremely small babies, or one year olds. Not that Theo minds, he's still happy chomping on his favourite wooden Sailor ring) but eventually I did - and half price too!

It is not one, but two small castles. Each comes with 5 figures - wizards, knights, a king, orcs and two dragons. And there's a catapult. And the drawbridges come down and and and omg.

Even better was the playset next to it was reduced even more than half price. This was a space rocket, with a little moon buggy and 5 spacemen. Theo's fantasy-nerd mummy chose castles and his sci-fi-nerd daddy chose spaceship. I suspect there shall be war on Christmas day!

We oohed and aahed over various things in the toy shop, holding them up for him to see his reaction. Most were met with indifferent pokes, but a large activity cube, covered in pokey things and crinkley things and things that go inside other things, was a very popular item. We let him play with it in the shopping-trolly for a little while before distracting him with something shiny and putting it in the back. He's also getting some very big, chunky baby lego.

I wish I could repeat least year's success with Liam's Christmas present - proper chef's knives (he unwrapped them, examined them and within minutes was off sharpening them and then slicing up random vegetables. And he took them to my parents 'in case your mum needs anything chopping') but this year I have mental fog, and also we don't have time to do a massive amount of stuff that doesn't involve being in the living room being very tired. I'll probably play it quite safe this year - DVDs, books, tea.

My mum is, as usual, the worst person to buy for as she declares 'no food, no wine, no clothes, no accessories, no DVDs, no books, no cosmetics...' The list goes on. She normally tells me about 5 things but for the past few years those 5 things have been insanely top-end makeup brands, 8 times the amount I pay for my own makeup (and I wear reasonably good stuff) so that's grated a little. She hasn't asked me what I want. No one has, but Liam normally gets brilliant gifts. I got the boxset of adult-cover Harry Potters for my birthday :D

I'm the easiest person in the world to buy for. I am incapable of buying small things for myself - I just feel silly walking around a whole shop and buying a belt, for example, or a fancy keyring, or a pair of socks. I either feel compelled to buy more or I leave it. Christmas is a wonderful time to get all the things I didn't buy all year, or previous years, which is how you get to 26 and still don't own a proper belt and have run out of socks. So I hope I get some socks. And a scarf. A velvety one :)

Barely!

No, in all honesty the sleep deprivation got better - I'm still sleeping in 2-3 hour chunks but somehow I'm coping with it. Lots of epic conversations with Bloke have also helped a lot. That, and he helps out much, much more.  All is very, very good.

The boy. Oh, he's just magical. A wriggly, giggly bundle of happy. No words yet but he knows the difference between 'Theo' and 'Mama' - he learned playing Peekaboo. If you hide his face under a blanket and say 'Where's Theo?' he will giggle like it's the funniest thing ever, but if I say 'Where's Mama?' he will patta-patta me and laugh. He even initiated a game in his pushchair - he hid his face in his hood and went very quiet. I was puzzled, but then said 'Where's Theo' and he laughed like crazy, then after a few more moments, looked at me with an expectant grin. 'There he is!' Oh, and if he's enjoying a toy (usually by chewing it) he'll hold it out to you and pat you on the mouth with it. He shares :) Especially teething rings and rubber duckies.

He still wakes at 3 and at 5 but it could be worse so I'm good with it for now. Scoffs down two meals a day - banana, rice cakes, little pasta bologneses, chicken pie, mashed up Sunday dinner, fish, niblets of cheese. You name it, he'll have it.

I'm better. A little less mentally confused/lost. I've lost far too much weight which I intend to recitify with a lot of cake, as none of my clothes fit nicely and some photos of me looked like a had a huge lollipop head balanced on a collarbone. I realised my clothes were divided into 'work' clothes (which I'm not going to wear now) or 'casual scruffy stuff' or 'going out fancy stuff' with nothing in between - if I wanna go walking with my boy, I neither want to wear heels nor a hoodie. So I invested in a few nice tunics, dresses, things I can happily wear just whilst walking him about, going round the village or around town. I feel a whole lot better - more human.

We started doing more 'us' things. Took him to our favourite local restaurant - gorgeous place, great food, very baby friendly. He was sat at our table on a proper chair with a small booster attachment. He chomped through some garlic bread and various tasty morsels from our pizzas (fish, mushrooms, crust.) Then sat with his stuffed cow - still the favourite - and smacked him on the table repeatedly quite happily until it was time to go :) Perfect little diner. He won't be when he's a toddler so we'll enjoy it for now. We visited Liam's parents, and it was really nice and relaxed.

I got my concentration back so was able to start reading again. I spent a lovely afternoon sloooowly browsing the fantasy section of the bookshop (boy slept) and bought The Lies of Locke Lamora based off the cover. I was absolutely delighted with it. Love it to bits. Clearly I missed all the hoo hah about it when it was released, as apparently there was hoo hah. I'm now working my way through Red Sea Under Red Skies. I have a number of other books I'm looking forward to as well.

I turned 26. I think I'd like to be 24. I got the winter top to my gorgeous pajamas I got for Christmas (I got the summer top then) and the box set of Harry Potter books with the grown-up covers. They look brilliant and I'm going to have to reread them all now.

And I think that's about it :) Seem to have gotten a good little routine going - up, play, nap, up, banana and finger foods, play, nap, up, walk, play, big meal, nap, daddy home, stories, bathtime, bed. He isn't crawling yet but it looks like it may be soon. He has his two front bottom teeth, a bit more hair and a bigger laugh. He loves his stuffed cow, dinosaur and pig as well as a small dog from my own childhood, as well as a couple of his noisiest rattles. He loves books with textures, rhythmic prose and bright pictures. Music videos and Yo Gabba Gabba. The news :) Mamakisses (open-mouthed attempts at slobbering me when I ask for a mamakiss.) And today I think I got some sort of hug - there were arms, grip, a face resting on my chest and an 'Aaaah.'

Magical boy :)

I think today would probably count as Theo's busiest day, and all we did was go shopping. First, I'd noticed he looks at a lot more random inanimate objects and primary colours, so while I wait for his pram-chain to arrive - tiny wooden sailors and ships and beads and things - I hung a small Chinese charm on his pram over his head.

Well, success! Didn't even bother with his pacifier for the whole trip into the village, to the cash machine, back to the tram and into Shoppingsville. He was mesmerised! Easy to entertain, at this age.

He slept; I shopped. Nursing mothers, according to those who stock shops, should all be put into pits and drowned, it seems. If they're not stocking hideous ugly garments for us to wear, or revolting oversized bras that 90 year olds would reject - do we really need cups that poke out of the collars of t shirts? I mean, really? - then they're just ignoring us. La Senza, for example, had its shop set up so that no pram or pushchair could even enter the premises. I had to walk in, leaving my poor boy by the door, and ask where the nursing bras - which I'd seen on the website - were. They didn't stock them. Of course they didn't! And the lingerie store with the big poster that said "We sell nursing bras!"? Yeah - they had two. Two hideous beasts I could have slung around my neck and carried twins in.

So off to Mothercare. I hate Mothercare. Bastards have cornered the baby-items market despite all their stuff being cack. Why does no one set up a rival baby store? Online there are loads but in terms of real shops, nah. But miraculously, they stocked a bra with cups. Oh yes! Nursing bras don't have cups, see. Apparently we're supposed to make do with two cotton hankies stringing up our oversized ladies. And to make sure we never step outside, almost all nursing bras have a big thick ugly seam across the centre of the cup, perfectly visible through all our clothing. Anyway, this bra was completely normal.

I spotted that they had a breastfeeding room. How cool is that? So in I went.

It was not only huge; it contained 3 other ladies and babies.

Er, and one dude.

After quickly realising he was there with his ladyfriend, and not out on a trip to ogle boobs, I shuffled into a corner and fed Mr Crankypants. Burping him was another issue.

First thing he noticed was the lady next to me.

"Mum! Mum, there's a lady and she's got boobs too!"

He was absolutely entranced by her. He was staring at her feeding her baby as if trying to work out how he could be watching what he had just undergone. How could it be!

That was nothing compared to how goggle-eyed he got when her baby sat up to be burped.

"MUM! She's got another ME! But I am the only Me in the world!?"

So Theo learned that there were other babies on the planet. And suddenly, he found they were everywhere! Could I tear his eyes away from the giant poster (containing large baby's face) behind me? Nope! Could I get him to feed while he was staring at a crying newborn ("How is the sound there if I am not making it?") Nah uh.

And none of that compared to his final discovery - a large, well lit mirror behind me. Those gorgeous smiles he gives me and his dad? Pale in comparison to the smile he gave to Mirror-Baby. He liked Mirror-Baby very much. He even waved his arm and tried to poke Mirror-Baby.

His brain now full of far too much information, I took him home and tried to chill him out with a bit of Baby Yoga (I bought a book). He fell asleep at 7pm, but woke up and was insanely hungry until 9.40pm, when he finally crashed. He's never stayed up that late before! Poor tiny over-filled brain.

And me, well, I feel pretty darn good that I fed the baby as easily as I did, but also pretty good at wearing a bra that makes me look like a 25 year old and not like a 70 year old.
 

A series of good days. I've been dressed and showered by 10.30 with a happy, clean, fed baby - if I get these things done, my day is officially Good. If I get outside, it is great. If I clean up, buy items I need or otherwise have fun, then the day is The Best Ever.

Tuesday: Was determined to go grocery shopping, but after 3 "eat" days (with no daytime naps) I wasn't hopeful I'd get outside unless I took Theo in his crankypants. Tuesday, however, was a designated Sleep day. I put him down for a nap at 11am and he didn't wake up until 3pm. I took him out, and he fell asleep again. Until about 7. Feed, clean, snuggle, and he dropped off at his chosen 8pm bedtime. Suspiciously easy. He woke twice in the night, more due to wind than to hunger.

Wednesday: OK Wednesday scared me. He went down again for a nap at 11. He slept until 2 or 3ish, and I took him out. When we got back he woke and fed and I put him down for a nap at 5 - he looked very sleepy, was yawning and falling asleep on his own. So, nap at 5.

He didn't wake up for bloody ages! 6, Liam comes home. 7, dinner made, eaten. 9pm. 10pm. By this point I wanted to wake him because I wanted him fed, changed and put to bed. I didn't want to go to sleep and be woken 30 minutes later. Where was his pattern? 8pm bedtime, 11pm top-up, 5am feed, 7am get up time. I like the pattern! 5pm-11pm is just silly! At 11 I finally woke him gently, fed him and cleaned him and thought there was no way he'd settle for the night now. I was wrong. I swaddled him, opened my book, lookd at him beside me and he was gone.

And he didn't wake up until 6am. What the hell? Eat, boy! You need to eat!

Today he also had two big daytime naps and went down at 8.20pm, like a dream.

Swaddling is wonderful. Now he starts to yawn as soon as I start to wrap him. His eyelids flicker. He gives a sleepy smile and maybe a gurgle or two. And then he's gone. Heavy and floppy and gone. Even his daytime naps are deeper and longer since I started swaddling properly.

His arms and legs are getting bigger. He is just starting to wave his arms in the direction of things that interest him, so I've ordered an adorable pram chaim to stretch across for him - wooden sailors and boats and rings :)

He was a bit windy and grumpy today, between naps, so we stayed home. Tomorrow I'll either take him to town so I can get a nursing bra that doesn't make me look like a 90 year old smuggling snooker balls in a pair of tights around her neck, and if he stays happy, lunch :) If I need to pare it down, then maybe just a cinnamon latte at a nearby coffee place. And if he's particularly grumpy, I'm thinking a walk around the park - he seems to like the brightness of the sky, he likes contrasts (so, tree branches against the sky) and, if not, I get a good walk in a place I can feed him wherever I want.

Thursdays are good - I'm going to watch Dr Ross return to ER and then watch The Inbetweeners :)

Me: "You're home! Yay! Here is a baby I have just fed and he's now very sleepy. You can finish rocking him to sleep."
Liam: "Yay!"

Me: *walks away*
Me: *comes back*

Theo: LOL!
Me: "Damn, that's an awake looking baby."
Theo: *poop*
Me: :O
Theo: *poop*
Theo: *poop*
Theo: *poop*
Theo: *poop*
Me: :O
Theo: *poop*
Liam: O_o
Liam: "Er, I really have to go start cooking dinner."
Me: "Dude I gave you a clean, sleepy baby and wanted a sleeping baby. You've left me with an awake poopy baby. You broke it! You're not holding him again!"

I hadn't slept in two nights, to be honest, as Theo has become a very noisy sleeper. Sure, he's fast asleep, but he's kicking and grunting something crazy. I didn't swaddle him for two nights, putting him in a sleep gown instead (I wasn't swaddling him properly and it was too dangerous to continue doing it now he's moving) but he danced around the cot and kept me up all night.

So I got some videos off Youtube and learned to swaddle properly. It worked an absolute dream! All snugly wrapped, he kicked less, grunted less, slept a lot deeper, went off to sleep faster and slept for longer. I was stunned this morning to be woken by my partner bringing breakfast - I rarely get back off to sleep after the 4am feed. I feel great today.

Took Theo to the doctor's for his check up; fairly pointless. His heart's still beating, he can see and hear still, he still has kidneys and legs and a head. My check was equally pointless. Are you getting enough sleep and eating enough? Er, yeah I guess. Are you depressed? Er... no?

He endured the session extremely well, napping in my arms and uncomplaining at being stripped nakie and popped on the scales. He didn't care about the stethoscope, or the light being shone in his eyes, or having his hips wiggled or his testicles counted. 45 minutes we were in that clinic and not a peep out of him!

I've started mooching about looking at stuff I can start taking him to. There's a very good baby swim class in Manchester (at some posh fancy health club) which caters to any baby, even newborns, but you have to pay £110 up front for ten lessons. That's a fair ol' bit o' cash. However, for £52, I can buy a bunch of Baby Yoga classes at an equally swanky yoga school in Chorlton. It's even got post-natal exercises for mums. To get started, I'm going to try a local baby massage class that's just 5 minutes away.

Out and about!

Monday: Decided to be brave, jumped on the tram and went shopping. Unfortunately, Theo didn't sleep a wink the whole way there and declared in the middle of Matalan that despite only an hour passing since his last feed, he wanted another and dernit, he wanted it now. I fed him in the changing room. A little cramped, but very convenient really. 40 mins later he wanted to feed again, and, as I cuddled him on the tram on the way home, I realised today had been a silly day to pick to go out. He ate a helluva lot that evening, but slept a disturbing 6 hours.

Tuesday: Taking no chances; stayed home. Theo suffering from wind cramps in his abdomen; very little I can do but talk, sing, cuddle him and otherwise distract him with toys, his mobile, walking around, looking at windows (he likes windows.) I was up from 5am with little to eat or drink. I didn't dress. He cried if I put him down and I couldn't bear to make his bad day any worse. Liam came home and found us cuddled up in bed, Theo sucking my knuckle, me near-death.

Wednesday: Bizarrely wonderful day. Theo took a huge nap, so my mum came over and we went for coffee. Cinnamon latte :D He woke up at 3am and ate pretty much every hour until 9pm. Yowza!

Thursday: Happy Six Weeks Old Day! Theo celebrates by smiling constantly, all day. I mean, he's been smiling since 2 weeks, always with eye-contac, but only about once a day. Today he was grinning from the moment I appeared over his cot until his final feed. He had wind pains again, so there was a lot of awake time, a lot of knuckle sucking (take your dummy, boy, please!) and a lot of sad crying, but it was still a nice day.

Friday: I managed to get into the village and buy dinner - major achievment. Theo still feeding almost every 90 minutes. Too much wind pain to nap, though he did sleep sprawled over my lap and arm while I played LOTR. Cute but impractical. Wind is finally starting to disperse, to much amusement.

Saturday: THANKYELORD, I have another pair of hands. Someone else can comfort the windy baby while I indulge in such luxuries as teeth brushing and dressing! Unfortunately said person thinks one 5am wake up request for assistance constitutes a shockingly poor night's sleep. I, meanwhile, have had to start breastfeeding the baby on the floor, cross legged, with a pillow, because if I sit on a chair I fall off it. Yes, sleep deprivation has taken my balance. I have the coordination of a one legged deer.

Thankfully though, the mood improves. Daddy takes Theo to the shops while I am highly excited to be able to clean the bathroom AND KITCHEN! (TWO ROOMS IN ONE DAY!!) AND I got a shower AND I got to play some game AND I brushed my teeth not once NO, but TWICE. We also had time, due to such efficient teamwork, to have a big game of Lift Your Head (go Theo go!) and Roll Over! (less successful) and Trying On Clothes To See If They Fit Yet (Theo's lovely stripey hoodie fits. My jeans do not. Baby wins.) By 7pm, Theo is bathed, sweet smelling and almost comatose. A final feed knocks him out for the night. Dinner is eaten in a civilised fashion. And I HAVE WINE! Yummy, yummy wine.

Today rocked.

And my little boy smiles and grins and gurgles and is lifting his head so scarily! He reaches out to try and touch our faces, his stuffed elephant, his blocks, his fish mobile. In fact the only blight on his life is currently the magic of digestion and the birth of new baby farts.

His six week check up is on Tuesday, as is mine, where they check my uterus isn't dead. To be honest, I think my uterus is stuck under my right rib. SOMETHING is stuck there.

Bugger. There are onesies still on the washing line and it's 10pm and pitch black dark. Well, something had to slip I guess...

This is why lady_gwynevere  rocks :)( Picture under cut )
Feet!! I didn't even notice the feet until I'd dressed him in it and he waved his feet at me. "Lookit what I got here!"

He's just growing into his 0-3 size clothing - a whole new wardrobe to explore!

Yesterday was a bad day. I was woken at 2am by Theo's usual sleep-grunts, but I couldn't get back to sleep (he really has quite noisy sleep-grunts.) I lay there until 4.30am, when he wanted feeding. I couldn't get back to sleep again afterwards and descended into waking dreams and small night terrors (I kept seeing bugs.) I fed Theo again at 6am and Liam took him to wind and put back to sleep while I tried to nap, but again I couldn't. I was now very, very sleep deprived. Also, my midwife had visited that day and was concerned I may be showing signs of infection. I was beginning to get abdominal pain. So not only was I sleep deprived and seeing things, I was lying there fearing I'd be put on drugs that would stop me breastfeeding, or that I would become infertile, or die.

This was coupled with Theo having an Eat-Day, as opposed to a Sleep-Day (he will do one, or the other, all day with few breaks.) Eat-Days are just a lot of feeding, winding, cuddling and then feeding again, rarely with naps or breaks. He got cranky. When the milk was gone he'd cry until it came back. He cried at what was probably a larger amount of wind than normal. I was now sleep deprived, scared of dying and racked with feelings of failure and inadequacy.

Liam took the day off work. He ensured I ate, drank, took the baby at any point that wasn't feeding so I could go shower and things. At one point he had a crying baby in one arm and a crying girlfriend in the other.

After my shower I calmed down. I was not inadequate, the baby wasn't starving (he was probably cranky due to a lack of napping) and everything was fine. What I needed to fix was my sleep deprivation. I have a baby who sleeps in 4-5 hour stretches, so my sleep problems are entirely my own.

Theo's cot is right next to my bed, pushed up against it was a drop-side folded away. However, this warm fuzzy 'co-sleeper light' arrangement is killing me. He's a noisy sleeper and though I don't rush to him and tend to him when he's just snuffling about, it does keep me awake for a lot longer than necessary. Practically, the cot also prevents me getting in and out of bed easily. It makes me feel very enclosed and trapped. And I can't have a glass of water by the bed, which is actually more annoying than it sounds. Feeding him in bed is also not the cosy experience I expected. My posture is very poor, my shoulder is buggered and keeps twitching and I've pulled both hips because of having to sit there but twist to put him back to bed. Also, by staying in bed to feed, I don't wake up properly and have to sit there for ages with a fuzzy head.

So, drastic measures. The cot has been moved... to the wall. So it's about 2-3 feet away now. God I was worried. I had to remind myself that there was no way he was going to get breathing difficulties and cot death just because he was 3 feet away.

I woke up... twice. Both times were simply him going "Aah!" and wanting his feed. I got up (thus waking me fully) and walked over to his smiley little face, carried him to his own bedroom, fed him, he dropped back to sleep like a stone, and we went back to bed. Easy as that. And I went straight back to sleep - proper sleep, not light sleep punctuated by noises that wake me in terror, or sleep permeated by a feeling of imprisonment.

I feel great this morning. Still very guilty about Liam having to take a day off work, but yesterday would have been difficult without the sleep-madness (Theo didn't stop griping until about 5pm when we... er... put him on a beanbag and put him in front of the television. Top Gear, in fact.)

As for the infection-fears, they appear to be unfounded. I may have won the easy-baby contest, but I am a big loser in the "Breastfeeding delays the return of your period!" group.

Dental news not brilliant. I was right about the fairly obvious cavity on my right-upper side, which I'm getting filled next week, but I hadn't spotted another cavity further towards the back. Bloody goddam heartburn tablets full of glucose. I'm so annoyed that after 25 years I gave myself cavities in such a silly fashion as munching sugary crap in the middle of the night. Two fillings ;_; On the upside, I don't have to have hideous mercury ones. White ones are £75, so yes it's a fair ol' bit of money but I was worried it'd be hundreds and hundreds.

The dentist was far more concerned about my impacted wisdom tooth - it tried to grow about 6 years ago and, upon hitting the molar next to it, gave up. It's about 1mm tall, very little of it above the gum, and at a 45 degree angle. I've done my very very best to brush it very carefully, given its awkward shape and position, but it turns out it too has cavities. Unfortunately, it has also caused the molar next to it to decay - the x ray showed this is actually pretty bad. Dentist doesn't think the tooth can be saved; both will have to go. I've been referred to the hospital to discuss what they think and how to proceed. Worst case scenario - removal of both. They can't pull the wisdom tooth as there's not enough of it, and I frankly could not handle it being dug out under a local anasthetic. I'd be looking at general.

I asked why it didn't hurt more. How did I not know I was slowly losing a tooth?! It didn't bleed, or hurt, or anything. It was sensitive, but so are a lot of my teeth. He said often the smaller problems, like tiny fillable cavities, hurt more than bigger things.

So next week I'm off for my fillings. I've also bought a 20 minute cleaning session with the hygenist (private) and am all signed up to the dentist, which is something millions of people in this country don't have, so I feel very lucky. Dentist is a nice young man too :)

---

Today was the day Liam's family came - and it went great! I stressed a bit cleaning the house to within an inch of its life, even though it was already tidy (I tidied it at the weekend) and clutter free. Theo chose today to have a Sleep Day, involving short, small feeds and a lot of sleeping, so sadly no awake/playtime cuteness for them. But they got to hold him whilst he slept which was nice :) We put on a buffet, and my mum lent us two beanbags to make up for our lack of sofas. It was also nice to hear of other relatives on his side who've been looking at his online photo album, sent their wishes and his sister in law who sent clothes her own boy hadnt gotten around to wearing. I'm looking forward to taking him down to their's - he has a six year old cousin who we're told is dying to meet him and wanted to come today, an 18 month old cousin and a close friend-of-the-family group who have children too.

I didn't have a clue it was Easter to be honest, but was grateful for a 4 day weekend with Liam being at home with us. Day one, we loafed, day two, we went into Manchester. I got measured by a bra department (dear god I am enormous. My ribcage has expanded 4 inches, from 32 to 36 inches. I don't know if that will ever go back. Fancy barely putting any weight on and just ending up with a bigger skeleton instead!) and we got lunch. Theo slept the whole time.

I got a bit annoyed in shopping centres having to wait for the elevator - why the hell are the lifts filled with young healthy people who don't have wheelchairs or pushchairs when they could get the escalators twice as fast?! We had to wait for a lift in Debenhams for 20 sodding minutes. Obviously the wheelchair users have far more right to get annoyed at the lift hogs than I did. There are signs everywhere asking people to give priority to the poor sods who are stuck using the lift, rather than taking it by choice. Though why you'd choose to be crammed into a box of strangers I do not know.

Theo's had some marathon feeding sessions leaving me stuck on the sofa with no hands for hours on end, so I've been grateful for the few movies that were on over Easter. I saw Borat, which was pretty good (loved the rodeo scene; I can't believe he barely had to feed them a line.) I'm looking forward to Bruno, though, because I remember Bruno from about 10 years ago when he did short clips on the Paramount Comedy Channel. Making fashionistas talk shit is probably a lot easier than making regular folk do it. And I watched King Arthur yesterday - historically inaccurate, of course, but look, it's hot guys in swords and a sort of hot warrior chick. I don't ask for much from my sword-n-sorcery movies. More naked Ioan Gruffudd would have gone down well though.

Sunday we went for a roast dinner at my parents; Theo was particularly angelic and despite a very fussy all-awake day on Saturday, slept for most of the afternoon.

He's growing so darn fast - not just in weight and length (dear God the length - when his feet stick out of his blankets he looks like a magician's illusion. Have babies with men of 6 foot 5, expect long babies) but in his actions too. He not only coos a lot more, but can be encouraged to coo if we make the 'ah' and 'ooh' noises to him - he gives a huge grin and begins to make his little speech-noises. He did it after his bath the other day, smiling at me and repeating back 4 or 5 sounds. It was so cute I cried. He also reached out and grabbed my face the other day when I had been talking to him, but then turned and talked to Liam. Suddenly there was a tiny hand batting my face.

It's also quite nice that, when he cries or fusses in the arms of someone else, he stops when he comes to me. But I need to ensure I don't encourage it, or he'll still be doing it at 3.

Liam's family are visiting tomorrow - bit nervous but hoping for the best. And dentist today! Even though I'm terrified they'll take all my teeth or tell me I have a mouth of rotten stumps. I really don't. They look perfectly fine. But my sensitivity is very worrying.

Yowza, what a day. Theo had two angelic little days Tuesday and Wednesday - slept, woke, change, fed, play, cuteness, slept, repeat repeat. The night feeds went perfectly. So therefore I knew it would soon be Crazy Growth Spurt time again.

[the last 2 day growth spurt he had, he grew his whole head. Srsly. His newborn photos show a round-headed kid, but now his fringe is still above his eyebrows but the rest of his hair has zoomed 4 inches up to his crown, leaving a big Shaolin bald spot and, well, a big head. Freaky!)

He wouldn't settle last night but eventually went down about midnight. Two night feeds went fine. He woke at 8am. And that was it. He cried. I fed him. Changed him. Winded him. Changed again. Fed . Cried.

All in all it was probably that he was getting hungry about once an hour, and the other crying was due to poo, burps, hiccups and finally overtiredness and frustratedness. I felt so bad for him as he was closing his eyes to sleep, nodding off then being awoken by some bodily movement.

As the day went on though his crying got louder and more continuous and I started to worry something really may be wrong, even though my instinct said it was not. Fed him again, changed, fed, then just let him comfort feed for a while. Still nothing. He had a major meltdown about 5pm, so I decided to give up on the nursing (I'm not going to make any milk by a)letting him keep taking it all and b) not eating), had some lunch and opened a carton of formula. Just like last time I did this, he refused to take the formula - he rolled it around his mouth and tongue then spat it out - but as soon as I held him again he crashed out asleep. And lo, the crisis ended.

Last time he had an all-day cry/feeding fest I was in shaky tears by this point, terrified I was starving him and that he was looking at me, begging for food and I wasn't giving it, ergo traumatising him. This time I felt better - calmer, more confident in my supply.

His poor little face looks so sad when he cries though. His bottom lip stucks out (and sometimes trembles) and the corners of his mouth turn down like a cartoon clown. It's even sadder when it's because he's pooing because I can't make the discomfort go away :(

Theo had another growth spurt or something over the weekend - all Saturday and Sunday, he wouldn't nap and just wanted to eat and chill on the sofa all day. Which was cool, really, though I did start to worry my milk wasn't filling him up and I was a terrible mother and he was hungry and I cried. But I was wrong, and he is today sleeping off his feasting, milk is just fine and he was weighed today - he's fractionally off 9lb, so that's a pound in two weeks. Giant baby!

With him being awake, we get to play. While playing with a newborn is tricky, seeing as they can't hold stuff, reach stuff or see stuff, it can still be done. He focuses on his black-and-white flashcards, there are various parts of the house he likes to stare at (dark things against light things) so I take him on a little tour of those. He likes his mural in his room (circles and dots.) He looks at his elephant toy. And I put him on his tummy and encourage him to lift his head, which he's getting very good at. I sing to him, he makes cooing noises, I kiss his feet or touch his nose and make him go cross eyed. He's an absolute delight.

I've had my camera in hand since day one, as it takes brilliant pictures and I can take 500 a minute and choose the best of the bunch. I've taken some I'm really pleased with - pure luck, mind you, but still.

This one is easily my favourite. (my user icon, the full version) I took about 25, and in 24 he was neutral-faced or looking worried, but then he broke into a huge grin. I get all mushy inside when I look at this one.

I took this one today, as he learned a new game - knocking over his blocks. I'm so proud! He was smiling and gurgling and I think that's pretty good for a 3 week old, as a lot of websites seem to say 3 week olds don't really do very much at all.

Took Theo into town for the first time yesterday :) I felt brave. He slept the whole time, even though I took him out of his pram and had to carry him around one shop in my arms. I got lunch, ate outside in the sun, it was brilliant. Little steps! I'd tried to express him a bottle of milk in case he got hungry, but it all went wrong (I think the pump has a broken part...) and in the end I just fed him before I left. Plus, messing with the pump has severely messed with my supply - I now have way too much. I'm wondering if pumping is really worth it. I can just feed him wherever, surely. I can find a few quiet spots in the city - places with nice bathrooms, or baby changing rooms with chairs or something. The changing rooms in M+S. I can work with it.

He's gotten so big! He's almost out of his newborn-size clothes and heading into the 0-3 month size, which means he is now wearing his adorable dragon sleepsuits. In a week or two he'll be big enough for the tiny jeans I got him. He focuses on faces a little better now and his eyes follow you if you move around. He is also tentatively reaching for things to poke at them. I hadn't bought any toys until now because a) newborns don't really need them and b) I wanted to see what sort of things he preferred to do and buy accordingly. For his grabbing I got a small wooden ring-rattle with beads on (also good for chewing/sucking) and for his vision, I bought a very brightly coloured patchwork elephant. I tried him with the elephant today and his eyes followed it, so I am happy :D

Couple of trickier days. Still nothing major :) He gripes a little when he's pooing, and it seems that after each feed he has to work on his bowels and miss his sleep. Today, his 8am feed never really ended, and at 12pm I was still in bed with him comforting him. He was quite chirpy - occasional grimace, then just enjoying a cuddle - but very much awake. By 2pm, I was worried he'd get overtired and that might make him really upset. He napped, but it was light and fussy. Finally he fed well, didn't hiccup and didn't need to poo, so he slept a lovely deep sleep. Really made all the difference - he woke, was changed, fed and is asleep again. Back on track it seems!

I had a bit of a crying session last night. I'm not sleeping well at all. I was in hospital from 4pm on Wednesday until 12.40pm on Saturday, indulged in a 19 hour labour, and the whole time I was there I got around 5 hours sleep. 5 hours in 4 days. I slept from 6-8 on Thursday, after the birth, then was awake all day, then all night, until 5.30am when I called a midwife for help, Theo slept and we awoke at 7am. Same the next night. Even if the baby was asleep, the hospital was noisy, the other lady was noisy, and someone comes and asks you something every couple of hours or so - can I take your temperature, can I check your health... which is good and necessary, I know.

The first night home, the entire sensation of lying in a bed and being 'allowed' to sleep felt scary and foreign. I didn't sleep. If I dropped off, I woke up, startled.

Some nights I nap well. Others I spend waking-dreaming - I'm actually sitting up in bed, dreaming I'm nursing the baby. I turn to put Theo back in his cot but he's already there - my dream fades but I'm exhausted, having been technically 'awake' for god knows how long. Last night I had to feed him after a significant amount of time awake. He got hiccups and couldn't sleep afterwards. I felt so, so bad for the little guy - how scary must hiccups be when you dont understand hiccups? - and how he couldn't sleep either. We wanted to, but couldn't. He settled and slept, I lay there, wide awake, feeling shaky and ill from sleep deprivation. I don't have to worry about Theo - he is happy. So I worry about me; milk, my teeth, stitches, infection, death. What a time to have to keep an eye on your own health! Liam talked me gently through a little breathing exercise. I fell asleep to the sound of his voice.

At 8am I was convinced I'd just fed him, and when he woke for his feed, I was sleepily saying how I'd just fed him and oh, how hungry he must be to want to feed again so soon, and was I making enough milk or had I made him hungry... and Liam was trying to reassure me I hadn't just fed him, I'd been asleep.

So right now any problems we're having are a) my sleep issues or b) Theo losing a nap due to a hiccup bout. And really this is nothing major. My "your baby week by week" book only talks about crying - apparently Theo should cry up to 12 hours a day, maybe get colic, maybe just cry uncontrollably... but Theo doesn't cry. He cries a little when we change his nappy about 70% of the time, and makes occasional gripe noises when his bowels move or I'm preparing him for a feed, but aside from that, he hasn't cried for no reason. So we're very lucky so far.

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We took him to Sainsbury's in his sling yesterday :) It was brill. He looks much chubbier and more comfortable in his car seat than he did last week. Liam put on the sling and I popped him in and that was that - straight asleep, and slept the whole way around. You don't see many sling wearers around here, but it was much easier, at least at this age, than manouvering a pushchair and a shopping trolley.

He is the most placid, delightful baby. I just wish his mama could get more sleep and then she'd be a bit stronger. Liam is back at work on Thursday. We need to get 'the routine' down - I am the one who must take the midnight-6am shift, without question, and I need to toughen up for it. This has always been the plan. Must work hard!

9 days old!

Last night was the first time Theo didn't settle and sleep after a feed (I suspect there was a little discrepancy between my supply and his demands, but that seems to have rectified now.) He seemed sleepy though, with slow closing eyes and all nuzzled in my arms. I stuck on an Iron and Wine track I'd played a lot through my pregnancy and began to rock him.

Liam came downstairs, came over and put his arm around me. He rested his chin on the top of my head then began stroking Theo's head gently in time with the music.

By the end of the song, Theo was asleep and I was crying :) God, so happy. Don't want this to end. Don't want him to ever cry or be sad or fall over or bruise his knee. He's so, so perfect.

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Midwife came today for his weigh in, again reminding us how babies often lose up to 10% of their birth weight in the first week, and breastfed babies especially so. I laughed and said deep down we know it, but secretly were hoping for a bit of weight gain.

He's gained 20g!

She was really impressed. I'm thrilled. I knew he was getting chubbier.

Long feeds with long sleeps today. Every day changes. He is 1 week old tomorrow.

First proper night doing the ol' baby routine. It went great. I appear to be functioning quite well on fractured sleep - 2 hours here, 3 there - though Liam has a little way to go. He offered to make me a tea, went into the kitchen, filled the kettle and started to walk back to me with it. But he's adjusting :)

We watched Hot Fuzz last night (loved it), baby sleeping on my chest, then on his dad's. Feed, nappy change, feed, nappy change (yikes!) and were in bed by about midnightish. Theo woke around 3am, nappy, feed, again at 6ish, again around 8.30ish and then a round at 10ish.

We're going to go out today - first venture outside! Theo will sleep off his 10am feed - he's stirring about now - so it's feed, change, probably feed him again as he'll a) demand it and b) it'll cheer him up after the nappy change. Diaper bag is packed, outfit is ready... I'm really looking forward to it! Just down to Marks and Spencer's and back. Nothing too fancy.

M+S babygros are crap, incidentally. Their 'newborn' size is exactly form-fitting and slim on a newborn - yeah, my baby doesn't want slim-fit babywear. He wants loose and leisurely like Adams' brand babygros or even Asda's. I can get an M+S one on him and sure he looks quite cute, but srsly. No slimfit babywear. I need to get him another few onesies with legs in - his newborn trousers are a hundred sizes too big so when he's peed on all his leg-onesies, he's got bare legs and I don't want that.

We keep having pee leakings - maybe it's the Sainsbury's own brand Eco nappies we have. I'm sure it's not our technique - nappy is secure, tight, midwife said it was fine. There is only a tiny 1cm sticky tab to use and it bursts off if it gets wet. WTH! Poop is all contained, nothing else has been touched by poo, but I'm doing 1-2 washes a day due to wee. Really annoyed with nappy makers. Yeah.

And Theo himself is a just a bundle of loveableness. He feeds with big wide happy eyes and occasional forehead wrinkles of concentration. He yawns, he does big wiggly stretches. He's quite strong and kicks a lot. When he's hungry his facial expressions are beautiful - he gives me a big wide-eyed look then opens his mouth wide. If I don't instantly feed him, he sucks his fingers, though sometimes simply points in his mouth, which I'd love to get a picture of. "Food go here!" If I still haven't moved to feed him, he will look at me, lift his chin, purse his lips and make "tut tut tut" sounds with his tongue and gums. It's like watching a little tourist try and communicate in a foreign country. If he's being held whilst hungry - say, if we have to do a nappy change before feeding - he'll violently gum your upper arm or boob area, lifting his own head and looking from side to side, annoyed at the distinct lack of nipples.

I am enjoying these days so, so much. I know in a few weeks it'll be routine, and I'll probably be grouchy, and tired, or whatnot. Right now it's magical. I think he's plumper and bigger already. I look at his 0-3 size clothes and they seem huge. He's going to grow so fast and I don't want to miss a single moment.

He's feeding on both sides at each feed at the moment. I don't know if that's normal, but he's not spitting much up and it's certainly coming out the other end, so hey, s'all good. Midwife is coming to weigh him tomorrow. She's advised us, as do all the books, that newborns can lose up to 10% of their birth weight in the first week, and this is normal and we're not to worry. Secretly though, both of us are hoping for him either being the same or a little more. Competetive parenting begins!

Even though Liam keeps saying I'm going to be one of those mothers who keep feeding their kids burgers and chips to fatten them up. "You're his feeder!"

We brought Theo home on Saturday. The cat was highly unimpressed, sniffing at his dirty laundry with a disgusted expression and glaring at us as if she hadn't been prepared for such a shock. Bizarrely, she demands to be present at all nappy changes, rushing into the room like a bustling matron at the first cry.

He is currently a very placid, chilled baby, although this is probably just general newborness - not much need of food or entertainment in these early days. He is feeding well, although breastfeeding is a bugger to get the hang of. He's had two great feeds today, though. Slept pretty much through the night. This, I am sure, will end by the end of the week.

Pattern is simple. Nappy change to wake him, then a feed. Feed knocks him out for 3-4 hours until either he awakes for more food, but usually, awakes to poop and be changed. Nappy time trauma is calmed down by feeding and then... another nap. Repeat :)

On the first day we just went with the flow. I fed him at 9pm, but as we were still up and about we kept him downstairs with us, and he slept on Liam until we went to bed at 12pm. He woke at 4am - ok, my boobs hurt and I may have encouraged him to wake up - and then he was stirring by 6am, then 8am when I got up. Changed him, got him all lovely and clean and dressed, took him downstairs and the doorbell rang. The midwife was here. Surprise visit!

Though I was still in my dressing gown, at least Theo looked gorgeous. Passed all his tests with flying colours. I was prodded and declared fine - all organs returning to original places. My pregnancy bump is gone, replaced with a bit of tubbiness I foresee little issue in getting rid of. There's an amusing hollow just above it, under my ribcage, which can be flattened quite well with the hand. It's weird. I feel a bit wobbly.

She addressed all of the worries we'd accumulated over 24 hours - his cord stump looked fine, he was making the required number of nappies to ensure good breastfeeding, she checked my positioning and latching technique and offered some tips and help. I fed him there and then, and it went pretty darn fantastic. She's coming again tomorrow.

Post feed nap for Theo, so I got showered, put on clothes - real pre-pregnancy clothes! Not pajamas! - and my parents came round. He was just waking up from a bout of hiccups, so they got to see him wide awake and adorable. They were both thrilled and I got some lovely pictures of happy new grandparents, as well as of Theo in his collection of silly hats. I dashed off to feed him and he fed wonderfully - a good 20 or 25 minutes, then a nappy/clothing change, and he was still awake and chirpy. For the first time he made a sad noise at being overtired, or hungry - either way, another feed and a sleep.

He is starting to eat more at feeds, so I can assume he's soon going to be asking for it more often too. My milk's come in a day or two sooner than expected and probably a day or two sooner than he'd normally be asking for it. It's rather uncomfortable having more than necessary, so I spend time watching him sleeping to see if he slightly stirs, then offering a feed. Not really happening.

I'm not getting much sleep - last night, mainly due to just lying there awake, too nervous to sleep - but still feel good, so guess the adrenalin's kicking in or something. Liam handled his first fractured night pretty well.

I'm a bit crap at nappy changing. I can get them on, sure, but for some reason he keeps getting wee up his back, even though the nappy is secure enough to contain explosive poops. We're pointing him down... maybe it's just the brand. Will see.

It's really enjoyable, this stage. We get free time - see, I'm on the internet! - while he sleeps in his 3-4 hours stretches. It's going to end soon. I'm enjoying it while it lasts!

Let's get some pics of the little one up:
( Read more... )

Theodore William
7lb 8oz
Born 3.42am 12th March
Beautiful little face, loves gnawing his hands but dislikes pooing. It scares him.

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Birth Story - quick version and long version :)

Quick version:-
5am contractions, 9am water breakage. Visited birth centre, 1-2 cms so went to labour at home. 4pm, back at birth centre, 4cm, laboured in bath, against walls and against wonderful amazing birth partner and father of the Theoling. 9pm, 5cm, got into birthing pool despite feeling a bit miffed at lack of cervical cooperation. Miffed feelings continue through until 1am - went a little insane and made very odd noises. Lapsed into very Northern accent I do not usually possess. At 1am removed from pool to push. Unfortunately takes until 3.42 to complete said task, not something I recommend. Theo given to his dad - greatest moment for me to watch ever - while his mama played with the gas and air and got tidy. Kept in for 48 hours to observe for signs of infection, due to giving birth over 18 hours after waters breaking. Finally home today, getting into a great little routine. All is peaceful :)

Long version:

( Full birth story )

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Theo's working on a happy little schedule of feeding, nappy changes (tell me that babies eventually stop crying during changes, it breaks my heart) and sleeps, then repeat. Feeding's going OK - bit worried about my latching technique but midwife's coming tomorrow or Monday and can try sorting it then. Gone much better today though. Now home, changing him is easier with all the supplies to hand, constant snacks and drinks being brought and Liam taking on any task he can. Watching him with Theo brings tears to my eyes. The two of them are sat watching TV now, Theo curled up on Liam's chest. It's beautiful. I made a new person and I made a father. I also made some happy grandparents and an uncle who greeted the news of his name with "Teddy!"

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Adding pics tomorrow, LJ and pics is always evil.

( pics )